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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  July 1, 2011 10:00am-10:30am PDT

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♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> stephen: tonight the fcc rules about whether i can talk about my pac on the air. spoilary all right, i'm talking about my pac on the air. then, can we trust pakistan to find out i'll close my eyes and fall into their arms. (laughter) >> stephen: and my guest timothy garton ash believes reporting the facts can change the course of history. then again, so can wikipedia. a french couple has adopted a 265 pound gor la. and in tomorrow's news, a french couple is malled by newly orphanned gor la. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central
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( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody! thank you for joining us. thank you, everybody. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: beautiful, thank you so much, everybody. you're too kind. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, thank you, thank you here, up there, i want to say i had to any half -- thieves who are joining us tonight. hope all your attacks are
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plus two. nation, tonight you are witnessing history so i hope you all remember where are you right now. for me, i'm right here. (laughter) write that down so i don't forget. because i just flew back from washington, and boy, is my everything tired. (laughter) because today i changed the course of america, appearing before the federal election commission to convince them to let me form colbert superpac. the key issue, folks, would talking about my pac on the air constitute an in-kind donation from viacom forcing viacom to report sensitive financial secrets. for instance, that vh1 annual operating budget is $14. (laughter) >> stephen: those bon jovi videos aren't going to pay for themselves. now folks, we've all waited two months for this decision. let's get straight to today's explosive committee room action. jim? >> the first item is an a
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advisory opinion request submitted on behalf of stephen colbert. >> by contrast, b and c conclude that cost associated with those -- ab and c, reach the same conclusions on the following issues. >> a couple of things. >> earlier -- set forth in agenda document 11-38 question one. >> the certain something -- do not have to be required. and but if you do, then -- (laughter) >> stephen: if only, if only there had been more arcane bureaucratic jargon we might have been carried on c-span 3. of course, i was there to get my rights by any means necessary. and i let those commissioners have it with both barrels. >> good morning. >> yes. >> you're welcome. (laughter) >> stephen: oh yeah. oh yeah! (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: yeah. i went there. i popped the you're welcome in there. of course it was the most important moment of my political career. so i took exhaustive notes. (laughter) finally after all the deliberation it was time for the commission to vote. >> i move to approve agenda document 11-38 which is draft a. all in favor say aye. >> aye. >> opposed. commission carries 5-1. mr. colbert you may form your pac and proceed as the commission has advised in this opinion. >> stephen: whoo! i can have superpac! whoo! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: come on! yeah, bab baby.
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now i realize that some of these balloons look a little ripe. that's because we put them up there 60 days ago when we first filed for the advisory opinion along with a flock of free speech doves. so (laughter) i had won the vote folks, but i would not officially have a superpac until my papers for the superpac were filed with the secretary of the fec. >> no superpac yet. still no superpac. no, oh, it's just a handshake. no superpac yet. paperwork's still to come. and superpac! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. newly and superpacked t was
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time to head outside and address the colbert supernation. hello, nation. >> hello! >> stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: i am here to represent your voice. so please quiet down so we can all hear what you have to say with my mouth. (laughter) >> stephen: fill owe americans, ladies and yes, supporters, friends, and federal employees with extremely generous lunch break policies, 60 days ago today, on this very spot a young man petitioned the fec for permission to form a superpac to raise unlimited monies and use the moneys to determine the winners of the 2012 elections. can anyone tell me -- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: can anyone tell me who that young man was. it was me.
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now some people have cynically asked is this some kind much joke? well, i for one don't think that participating in dem obling -- democracy is a joke. i don't think that wanting to know what the rules are is a joke. but i do have one federal election law joke if you would like to hear it. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: knock, knock. >> who's there? >> stephen: unlimited unions and corporate campaign contributions. >> stephen: unlimited unions and corporate contributions who? >> stephen: that's the thing. i don't think i should have to tell you. (laughter) of course, there will be others who say stephen colbert, what will you do with that unrestricted superpac money. to which i say, i don't know. give it to me and let's find out. since i don't know about you, but i do not accept limits
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on my free speech. (cheers and applause) i don't know about you, but i do not accept the status quo. (cheers and applause) but i do accept visa, mastercard and american express. (laughter) thank you. god bless america. and for eight yets out there, guess under height, the united states of america, we did it. >> i am a superpac and so can you! >> then like washington crossing the delaware to ask it for money, i waded into the crowd with a credit card swiper attached to my ipad. >> that's it. thank you. just throw it out, ball it
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up and throw it at me. thank you. folks, i want to thank all those people who swiped their cards in the right slot today. and for those of you who swiped it in the wrong slot, thank you even more. (laughter) >> stephen: now you too, you,, nation, out there can be part of history by logging on to my brand-new web site colbert we weren't allowed to keep the e-mail addresses we collected from colbert because they remain the property of so sign up again but i assure you, that those 130,000 e-mails we collected last time will not go to waste. they're being sold to a chinese cybercrime syndicate. and folks, you'll be getting an e-mail reminding you to switch to colbert superpac right -- now. and when you sign up, you will get this personal form
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letter of thanks from me. it is suitable for printing out and framing if you have a frame. (laughter) >> stephen: please donate, nation. because you can't spell donation without nation and dough. (laughter) we are going to fix america together! we will build a better tomorrow, tomorrow. literally. i can't build it today. i'm just so tired. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everyone. thank you. folks, speaking of pacs, recently pakistan's intelligence service arrested the members of their own organization who had helped us find osama bin laden. this is renewed calls to cut off the billions in aid we give to pakistan every year. now others say that money keeps pakistan a stable and important ally in the war on terror. so what should we do? well, an issue this complex can only be tackled with someone with a keen mind and vast international experience.
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me, stephen colbert. this is formidable opponent. stephen, thanks for coming. anything for you, buddy. >> after all, we are partners in the war on terror. >> stephen: yes, we are. >> stephen: i said partners in he war on terror. >> stephen: oh, sorry, i wasn't listening, i'm sorry. there you go. (laughter) >> stephen: okay, it's all there. and oh, yeah, one rocket launcher. you didn't get this from me. >> stephen: didn't get what? (laughter) >> stephen: stephen, how can we keep paying pakistan? they arrested everything who helped us. there could be no doubt now that they were harboring osama bin laden.
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>> allegedly he was in a mansion next to their military academy. if they weren't complicity, they were incompetent. >> stephen: not necessarily. they could be income pet-elicit. where you are helping the enemies but are really bad at it. all the supply lines to afghanistan run through pakistan. >> stephen: who cares, that war is unwinnable. >> stephen: yes, but without their help, we can't keep fighting it. >> stephen: the point is, they are a nuclear power therefore we need their friendship. >> stephen: friendship, they funded the mumbai attacks much. the times square bombing was planned in pakistan. and they sold nuclear technology to iran and north korea in the '90s. >> stephen: oh, the '90s. let's stay angry about furbies an parachute pants. look, we need to give them an ultimatum. stop supporting terror or no more aid. >> stephen: easy now, buddy. this is a partnership, just
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like you and me. we're partners. but that doesn't mean you get to decide who my other friends are. >> stephen: i just think jill's a pitch. >> stephen: we're not having this conversation again. >> stephen: the point is, some of my other friends like to do things that you don't like to do. like skiing, or trying to kill you. >> stephen: but that has nothing to do with our friendship. >> stephen: wait, one of your friends wants to kill me? >> stephen: no. >> stephen: yay, me, stephen albert. >> stephen: wait, where did he come from. >> stephen: well, he was standing next to me but i was not hiding him. i just didn't notice or was hiding him. >> stephen: i want to kill you for your freedom. >> stephen: well this is awkward. >> stephen: yeah, i'm not giving you any more money. >> stephen: what? you might give it to him. >> stephen: yes, give it to me. you know c-4 explosive, they just released c-5.
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>> stephen: don't worry. i won't give it to him as long as you keep giving me money. >> stephen: i'm not going to do that. >> stephen: well, i've got to get money from somewhere. you want to buy a rocket launcher. >> stephen: oh, yes, i can pay you in cash, diamond or daughters. >> stephen: no, no, fine, fine. here. there you go. >> stephen: thank you. >> stephen: and thank you. oh i hate you so much. >> stephen: you just gave him my money. >> stephen: i have heard these disturbing rumors and i will conduct a thorough internal investigation. which will require more money. >> stephen: go [bleep] yourself. >> stephen: all right, suit yourself. there you go. >> stephen: thank you. >> stephen: no! >> stephen: yes! >> stephen: don't worry i'll
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get that rocket launcher back. i just need some more money. >> stephen: wait, you take the infidel's money. i kill you too! >> stephen: see, we have the same enemies. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend. >> stephen: then you're a terrible friend. >> stephen: and you, sir, are a formidable opponent. (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is an author and historian. his new book is called facts are subversive. that's why hi my encyclopedia arrested. please welcome timothy garton ash. (cheers and applause)
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hey, mr. garton ash, thanks so much. now the name of your book is called facts are subversive. political writings from a decade without a name. what dow mean facts are subversive? >> i mean exactly what it says. for example --. >> stephen: i don't know what it means, though. i mean i wouldn't have asked the question if i understood that. >> if we had met, the factses about saddam hussein, weapons of mass destruction, namely he didn't have any. >> right. >> britain would not have gone to war in iraq. maybe the united states would. >> stephen: i don't know. are the facts important there. because i have to be a fan of facts. because feeling is first. and it felt right to get saddam, did it not feel like -- seems like a bad guy, seemed dangerous. feels like take them down. later the facts subverted that good feeling. so what good are the facts? >> in subverting that good
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feeling. >> stephen: you want to make me feel bad. >> i want to make you feel bad. >> stephen: really. >> stephen: if you feel that way. i believe in the reality-based community. i mean --. >> stephen: reality is pretty sad. >> stephen: it can be but then we have more need of comedians. >> stephen: you know what f you find a good one, tell me about him. >> where might i look. >> stephen: jon stewart. (laughter) he's really funny. he's really funny. let me ask you, political writing from a decade without a name this past decade, you mean. >> it's a weird decade which in a way begins with 9/11 and i think ends on the fourth of november 2008 when barack obama was elected president. and i think the very different agenda comes because obama's election comes with a financial and economic crisis. and suddenly that whole
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narrative which is that we're living through the fourth world war, that world history for the next 20, 30 years will is all going to be about the battle with islamist terrorism t doesn't seem to be quite like that any more. >> stephen: what is the battle? where is the fourth world war? >> i'm not sure. let's hope there isn't the fourth world war but what i do think, i have an account in this book of a very extraordinary meeting with george w bush in the early summer of 2001. don't look like that. >> stephen: hi an extraordinary meeting with him too once. but go ahead. >> i want to hear about that. >> stephen: yes. >> but the thing about that meeting, it was two hours before his first official trip to europe. islamism, islam hardly featured. for him the whole story was about the great political rivalry with china. and in a curious way ten years later, we're sort of back at that other story
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about the great rivalry with china. >> stephen: this was a detour for the past ten years. >> in a curious way it looks like that. >> stephen: should i an afraid of china. should i have kept my fear on china. because i do need to know whom to be afraid of. because fear is a great motivator. >> you cannot be afraid of more than one at a time. >> stephen: no, i suppose i can. i used to be afraid of the soviet union and china at the same time. >> right. >> stephen: are we in the west, are we anything any more? is there a west if there isn't an oppositional force in the soviet union to define us? >> well, there isn't the west in the sense we had it during the cold war when the unites states states and western europe basically always got together. because we had a common enemy. >> stephen: right. >> and that's not the way it is now. obama's first thought is not, even bill bill clinton's was what am i going to do with europe it might be india or china or indonesia. the same is true of many
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european countries too. we may be looking to china and india first. >> stephen: you say that obama doesn't have an east west outlook. he has more of a north south. >> right. >> stephen: what dow mean by north south outlook. >> what i just said, that he --. >> stephen: but again when i ask questions it means i generally don't understand. >> he does not instinctively look to europe. and obama himself says in his autobiography that he doesn't have that same personal emotional connection to europe. and so i think he's a president for the post western world, actually. >> stephen: how does the united states, you say that the united states and europe you fear they are in great decline, irrecoverable klein? >> i think it is almost a case wean between the united states and europe what i might call competitive decac -- -- deck dense. >> stephen: we're going to win that. >> i haven't been too sure.
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>> stephen: have you ever been to the cheesecake factory? (applause) death by qhok lat, my friend. >> have you been to greece lately. >> stephen: yes, i have. timothy garton ash. the facts are subversive. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. what is that? oh, we call it the bundler. let's say you need home and auto insurance. you give us your information once, online... [ whirring and beeping ] [ ding! ] and we give you a discount on both. sort of like two in one. how did you guys think of that? it just came to us. what? bundling and saving made easy. now, that's progressive. call or click today.
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>> stephen: well, that's it for the report. don't forget to sign up at colbert for the price of a cup of